Trying To Figure Out Things I Wanna Do With My Life Next

6:43 PM



Due to my insecurity and anxiety that came up unpredictably, I had a doubt whether should I upload this post or not. I was afraid that I'm going to expose myself a bit too much. After contemplating with myself, finally I came out with a decision to upload this post. I just don't care anymore, let me just spill it out!

I don't want to take my reader too serious or stress out by reading this post, but I can't deny this post contains a lot of heavy thoughts. It's really personal, I take my courage to share it with you.
Hope you enjoy it!





Before we start, bring your snack or ice cream because this train gonna take much time!









Wait you haven't brought a snack, a coffee, or an ice cream!

















I told you it's gonna be super long!





















Well, let me enjoy my ice cream then.



It's December again and the year is coming to an end!
How do you feel?
For myself personally, I love December because it's the time when I do self-reflection, to take a breath and just look back how the year has been.

Sometimes I disappear from my social media when I'm too passionate working on something. These days I also took some time for myself to not spend my time a lot on the screen.
I also took the chance on the sidelines of my short hiatus from social media to sharpen my focus. I didn't read some of messages I've got or I just gave them a late response, I didn't reply any comment from other writing platform I have, and purposely ignored some people. Being negative against the rules I've made with myself but you can't be positive all the time! Explain it to people will absorb my energy, that's why I decided to take some space, and I will back again when I'm ready or have a plenty time to be wasted.

Please don't take it personal! I feel like I'm making sins for ignoring people. I hope a picture of my babies can erase my sins, forgive me human.


Since this post already out, that's mean I'm ready to be back!


Anyway I spent an entire day reviewing what I've done this year. As we approach the end of 2019, let me take some time to recall the highlights of this year. What I tried and failed, what I didn't try but happened miraculously, what I tried with blood, sweat, and tears. I can believe through this past 12 months, I've changed enough, I think I have taken the time to greatly mature than last year. To find out who I truly am as an individual, find new dreams, become happy and all of those experience have affected positively on me. 

2019 has been really exhausting year for me, both mentally and physically. A half of 2019 that I had spent made me lost myself yet a half left had me found myself again, life was unpredictable. Every year can teach us something good if we slow down a bit and see in other perspective. Isn't it true?

I will not lie, but I am proud of myself for pushing forward through the pain.


Before moving on to the main topic, let me answer these 5 questions about what I've got in 2019.

1. What am I proud of?

  • Broaden my new perspective and knowledge
2019 is my first time working after graduating from college. Well through my college year I also had some work experience, but this time is different! I got so much experience while I was working in this company and I think I can't get this experience if I work in other place. I was so lucky to had that chance even though only in a short period. Every sweat, tears, well luckily there's no blood but seriously that was the most challenging, exiting, stressful, yet happy moment in my life.
Apart from my architecture journey, I've learned many things, met new people with different character, expanded my outer perspective in life and so on. However, I'm little bit sad because I can't show my true potential and my good results, I promise myself that I will study hard and work hard so that I can show my talent in future.
  • Found my long-term dreams
There were times I doubted myself "Do I want to do this for the rest of my life?"
Finding passion is the same as finding your soul mate, because you're going to do it for the rest of your life! I don't want to life in regret in the future because I choose the wrong path, I don't want to do it just because I want to do it or I like it, I want to do it because I can't live without it.

It took a year for me to find my long-term dreams. Honestly after graduating, I lost myself. I didn't know what I really wanted, I didn't know what my purpose. It felt like walking without knowing the direction, and that was the scariest moment in my life.
How did I find it back?
Actually, it happened miraculously, unplanned, it felt like Allah has led me found this way.

So what is my long-term dreams?
Well I can't tell you in details. I still have plans to work in architecture field, I want to develop my business line with my best friend, I still have that dream I dreamt in elementary school and I'm currently work in it silently, and I also want to develop my skill as a blogger. I don't know where this life going to take me. I work as hard as I could even there were times I scared of myself that someday I need to let them all go, doubted myself a lot, thought that I don't have enough of time. But now I just don't want to think about that, I just want do the best I could!


"Relax and trust the timing of your life.
You will figure out your career.
You will figure out your dream.
You will figure out your purpose.
You will become a person you wanted to be."


2. What am I grateful for?

  • Support network in my circles 
As your life changes so will you circle. I'm very lucky and grateful because I'm surrounded by good people and good circles, both family and friends. They always help me to reach my dreams and support me to do what I really wanted. There are many people out there that didn't get many support as I am. I feel really sad when I know that some people can't do or afraid to reach their dreams because nobody encourage or support them. I wish all of us always be surrounded by good people who really care about us. 
  • Meeting people who have the same dream with me
I met many people who have the same vision and mission as me. I'm so lucky because we can share something in common and we can help each other in order to reach our goals. I wish in 2020 I will meet many people with beautiful mind and positive vibes.


2. Letting go of

  • Negativity and toxic positivity in my life
I never share my problem on my social media. I only upload happy moment, but behind the rainbow feed that painted my wall, I experienced sadness too, I faced a problem too. We can't be positive all the time.

Seriously, we need to let go all of those negativity and toxic positivity in our life. Being negative is bad, but too much positivity could be poison to us, something excessive is not good.


"If you’re too negative, you’ll force yourself out of trying things, get too hung up on past failures, and won’t be fun to be around. If you’re too positive, you’ll be overconfident, fail to anticipate how your plans can go wrong, and constantly let yourself off the hook for your failures, without learning from them."


Here's I tell you a story when I was depressed. It was 3 months ago, in October. It was a day after I lost my cat. I was not healed properly at that time and suddenly I got another incident, well probably that was because of my mistake too. Someone did something bad to me.

I was crying,  I felt stupid, I can't even forgave myself, even though people around me said "it's okay" but I just cannot accepted that. I didn't tell anyone except my best friend, because she's the only person I can believe.

Actually my problem was not too severe, but here's where all of it started getting worse

First, I tried to be positive when my head was actually filled with negativeness, I tried to rush the things and told myself "I need to pass this soon, I really need to pass this soon, this too shall pass!".
I was looking for escapement. I opened my instagram, I shared happy things and happy moment on my instagram, acted happy like nothing happened was more easier than tell people that this world had hurt me bad. Presumably I can forget everything that happened to me if I try to be positive.

Second, you know what is the hardest part of being positive when something bad happened to you? It's listening other people story, to give comfort to someone who also faces a problem, to encourage people, to help people when yourself also need help.

I saw other people life. It seemed like people out there also had their own problem. I said to myself

Am I being too self-centered?
People out there more suffer than me
I have to be grateful
I feel like my feeling didn't valid because others have suffered more than me.

I wanted to tell my best friend about my feeling at that time, but I knew she also faced a problem in her life, it was really serious when she told me though. I felt really bad about that, because I can't be a good listener for her, I can't help or comfort her. I felt like I was too self-centered. How can I told my problem when she was also suffered with her life. I'm not the only one who needs help.

Later on, I decided to hide. I stopped playing on my social media for awhile, I didn't open the message I got even if it from my best friend. Here's the footage, I literally ignored her for almost 2 days without telling her what happened to me.

I left my phone untouched, because I was depressed and didn't know I've got many text 


She thought I was died or got an accident lol. Last time I didn't contact her was when my phone got stolen in 2014. 

Fortunately, my friend is very caring. She has my mom's phone number, then she sent a chat to my mom, asked my mom, did something bad happened to me lately?

I'm so grateful because my best friend didn't give up on me. If she didn't chat my mom I probably still depressed here by myself. Therefore, if you have a friend who suffers, don't leave them and don't give up on them.




That was the most stupid thing I did, but my friend has forgiven me, well we both forgave each other.   

It doesn't matter if you have a good relationship with family or friend, or if you're rich or poor, even when there is nothing to worry in your life. When depression want to come, they will. It's just there when it wants to be. It goes away and comes back without warning.

In this cruel world, let's be kind to each other, don't give up on each other. Reach a friend who needs help. If you find no one, please you need to fight it on your own. If you're sad, don't wait for someone  else to find you, it's okay if you tell them first. It helps to talk. I know maybe you're afraid you will make the person you ask to talk is burdened. But please open up, leave it unload without any calls will hurt both of yourself and people around you. Open up, be brace, let someone in.

And another important thing, we have to know that our feeling is valid, it's okay not to be not okay. Being yourself is not easy, and you have to proud of yourself.


3. Lesson learned
  • Human is the scariest species on earth
Here's the fact about bad sides of people:
We cannot force everyone to likes us. In fact, there are some people out there who hate us. Maybe they don't realize it yet, but we don't know their true intention or their inner voice. Maybe they don't realize, but sometimes there are people who are happy to see our failure, or maybe we don't realize we also have the tendency of envious and we feel little bit unhappy if we are not better than that person.
  1. There are some people who act like they care about you. They asked and offered some help, but they did that not because they care about you. They just wanted to know how far you go, to see and to compare that their life is better than yours.
  2. Their words hurt you, their words bring you down.

I remember some words, it's excerpt from a book I recently read. "Every word you cannot say" by Iain S. Thomas

You are part of a beautiful story.
But "Chapter One" is not your first memory.
The first word in this story was written a long, long time ago. 
And you are only in the story for just a few short pages.
But in these pages, you get to decide how the story goes.
Over time, you play every character in the story.
You will love and be loved.
You will hate and be hated.
You will be cruel and you will be kind.

Basically, human is the scariest species in the world, even good people will always have that bad side of themselves. Because we are just human. I might be good for some people, but I might be bad for some people.

  • Only you who can save yourself
Only you who know what is best for you. You know exactly what you like and don’t like and what you need and don’t need. Even when you say you aren’t sure you have a pretty good idea what you want and what you need to do to make it right for you. But you need to be ready and prepared to do what is required to achieve whatever it is you want to accomplish. A million people could tell you and try to make you as long as you are not willing and able it will never happen.

You can surround yourself with people. But you’re the only one with the ability to “save yourself”

4. Could have gone better

If I'd loved myself since a long time ago

Honestly, I am a bit ashamed to admit it, I was not as positive at this moment. I was filled with anxiety and always insecure. The day I started to love myself, here's what I feel:
  1. I suddenly started to see all the things I lost when I didn’t. Things I had kept inside me and never knew were there.
  2. I realized how valuable it was, I had to tell myself that.
  3. I could see myself in the mirror and like what it reflected. And from there, I became aware of how important I am to myself.
  4. You will see things that were always around you. You will not have much anxieties. Because you know how to take care of yourself.
  5. No one is responsible for your needs.. Then, you will be calm in facing anything. Cause you will soon realize you are way capable than you think you were and figure out that every problem have a solution or solutions is true.
  6. I enjoy the moment and instead of moving on, I enjoy waiting, making it intense and much more fun.
  7. I started to love myself, and suddenly I could love. I found freedom and peace within myself.
  8. While I enjoy being surrounded and being loved, it’s not because I feel like I need it, I just enjoy it.
But it's better late than never right?


5. Favorite memory

  • Best moment in 2019
I can't choose one favorite moment  in 2019 because every single day I've spent with people I met was a blessing. What we did, what we talked, I love them all. Whether it is captured on my camera or not.

Even in a bad day, I still can find a beautiful moment in it when I look thoroughly in a positive way.
I even deleted my instagram highlight, this was a silly decision I made. The reason I delete it because it makes me feel like I'm shorting every moment, choose what is good and what is bad, it feels like I can't accept all the things that happened in my life. I might change it later, but for now I just want to let all moments flow through without having pressure to put it in the highlight into my social media or busy capture it out.
______________________

So, finally here we are, to the main of this story. It's super long right? Hehe sorry I don't have self control when it comes to writing. I just realized that in 2019 I value so much about life. That moment when you start to value more about life than things, it is kind of adulting?


I just saw a map resolution made by an illustrator on Instagram named byputy, then I just got the idea of making the map in my own version.

By the way the map I show you here is different from my own personal map I made for myself, I need some personal space, but this one is not much different with the original one.

So here we are, after summarized all event and lesson that I've got in 2019, I came up with this bubble map resolution of 2020. I divide my resolution into 2 main zones:
  1. Being me as a part of myself
  2. Being me as a part of society

Does that map look complicated?
Life is simple, but we insist on making it complicated.


Sorry the inscription on this map looks really small, don't worry I will zoom in the details below. First, before jumping into the conclusion, I want to explain this simple-yet-complicated-map into 3 main branches and end it with the conclusion. The first one is being me as a part of society which consists of resolution towards family and friends and also lifestyle. The second is being me as a part of myself which consist of resolution towards my self-development and my spirituality journey. The last branch is being me as both part of myself and society which consist of my resolution towards my love-life also my dreams and career. 

1. Life style, family & friends

Besides my desire to travel a lot, there is other desire that I think is way more important. A wish which every millennial have always wanted "to be financially stable". In 2020, I wish that I'd be more responsible and have more self-control on my spending. I'm aware that I'm not young anymore, and I can't let my parent support my financial needs continuously instead I'm the one that should do that now even though they never ask. Being first child is really hard.

Furthermore, I know it's not our job to be everything to everyone, but at least I want try my best to be kind to people around me, my family for instance

  • Keep phone regularly with my family.
  • Speak up and express my feeling honestly, shamelessly. 
  • Be a good listener for everyone, because it's good when we have someone who listens to us when we feel under the weather, sad, or just depressed. If we can't find that one, let's be that one. 
  • Be kind with our own words, because words really mean for someone. I often get hurt by people words, it was more painful than getting hurt physically. I wish I can be more wise and choose the words carefully when I talk to people so that they won't get hurt, ask apologize first, give compliments to each other, and say thank you for people who help me.


2. Self development, spirituality

Lately there was a thought that scared me a lot. 
I'm afraid of death, just thinking about it makes me goosebump. I was busy planning my affairs in this world, but how about planning my affairs facing the death? What if Allah suddenly take my life, but I haven't had any preparation. Not gonna explain a lot about my resolution in spiritual journey, to be 100% honest I just want to increase the remembrance of Allah, alongside with constant consciousness of his Being, to improve my relationship with Allah and become a better person. I don't want to think too much about the world that is temporary.

In order to improve my spirituality, I think the first thing I need to do is to continuously develop my self-love. I have motivation: to be the best version of myself. I will practice self-love for the rest of my life. Like I said it before, there are many things I got when I started to make myself as priority, and this year I also hope to keep practicing self-love. I'm not gonna write down the details, because it's already written in the map. I just wanna say, everything you do in life may be essential, but nothing is more important than a healthy sense of self-esteem and loving yourself. Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. It looks easy to be talked, but in reality, it's really hard things to do.

3. Dreams & career, love life


Talking about dreams and love life, these are two things that I always embrace carefully with all my heart because like it's written, these two things are fragile. Sorry I can't write further details about it, these two are really personal and precious that matter lot for me. However, for people who have spent their time stopping on this blog, let me spoil you a bit.

My dream to have a career as an architect never die. Furthermore, until now I actively improve my skill and always find a way to reach it. I still fighting for scholarship though, I don't know when the exact time I get it, I know it will be hard, I know someday I will face many failures and letdown, but I don't want that thought would scared and stop my dream. I want to try my best and have no regret even if I don't get what I want!
I also got a job offer in 2019, but I didn't get mom's approval, that's was also the most hardest choice in my life. My mom wanted me to stay focused on my plan to pursue my master study. 

If you're wondering what is my plan in 2020, of course I can't tell you. But I have a very-detailed plan for the rest of the next year! I'm currently working secretly in it and probably I will rarely active on my social media soon!
When it comes about dreams, I swear I don't give up easily, I always come with a plan from A to Z, even I already prepared for the worst scenario lol, because that's an INFJ always does, but the problem is, she always procrastinates, period. 
Honestly, I have a problem of choosing my priority straight. I have quit my job, but I'm still struggling to prioritize my things even though I've made plans and schedule, there are much things to do. I wish I can stick and work on my plans in time!

What can I say is, I'm just super ready and exited to face 2020!

Apart from my architecture journey, being a full time blogger also one of my dream. Being a blogger really help me to build my confidence, to improve my skill in many field that I can't imagine, to find myself, to express my feeling, and so on. I didn't know that I love writing so much that I wish I want to do it for a long time. I'm sad because in 2019 I didn't write that much. I wish this year I can be more productive. I read a lot of blog, their stories and the way they put their words telling their experience had motivated me but sometimes also made me lost my self-confidence. 

Anyway, I want to set the goal to write at least 2 post a week. I broke my promise in 2019, let's be more assertive in 2020!
I don't care about the views, my target is to present a good content that can bring positivity and inspire people. But if I have to set a number, can I have 1 million views in 2020? Hehe
I also made Quora account in 2019, have you checked it yet? Go check it out here

On the other hand, I also have a resolution, I should take my priority into my own business that I've been working on with my friend. Last year myself didn't promote it well, I wish I can start it over in this 2020 and put more effort than I did last year! Hope I have a chance.

The last dream that I also secretly working on! I'm so exited that I want to tell anyone but I can't! It's a dream that I've been dreaming on since I was in primary school. I buried this two dreams long time ago but I'm glad this year I finally have the courage and find a way to do it again. Wait, mama will show the world about this secret project when the time comes!

Next, let's talk about love life. It's feel awkward talking about love life. Shall we pass this one?
But I can't resist it because this question always being asked by everyone. Well I put this item into "being me as a part of society" not as a part of being myself, because it's a relationship with a person, not between me and myself, directly.

I'm a very private person, yet I am an open book. If you don't ask, I won't tell.


But, today I will tell something important that I've never told it before.
I never tell my love story or share about my partner, but that doesn't mean I don't have it!



Let tell you about partner






Are you ready?












Are you sure really want to know?











Okay...












Here we go...












Well













Actually








I have a partner, but I keep it for myself, and I'm waiting for the right moment to tell everyone. I think this is the best time for me to tell everyone.












Please keep scrolling, don't close this page! Don't let the curiosity kills you....
















It's here















With me















Wait, I will show you our picture


















Can you see him?














Of course you can't see him, because...





I'm self-partnered (Re: I'm single). Honestly, I'm not into relationship but I don't close the door for anyone to get close with me. It feels like I'm okay, but I'm not okay, it's not the right time, but it's also the right time, it's just complicated. 

Here's I tell you the truth.
You can't have everything in life. You can't get those career and dreams with charming prince who's gonna marry you. Believe me you can't have both. You gotta choose one, dream or love.

Then I came out with this thoughts, that I want to...
Get married before 25  when you're ready
Fall in love with someone beauty inner beauty
Find someone who you can live with you can't live without

Love is selfish, and I'm greedy. I hate to tell this because I'm afraid I'm gonna single for the rest of my twenty.

First, as I've written in my previous post on blog, my heart is not captured easily. I'm disinterested in small talk, disillusioned with love, and too focused on my dreams and aspirations to lend anybody attention. But if you find your way into my heart, I will fall for you like gravity has let go of the earth. On the other hand, I still don't wanna give up on my dream even though I want to be someone, and I also don't want him to give up on his dream just to be with me. For now, let's try our best to reach our dream, be the best version of our self, and let's meet again after we already finish with our self, so there will be no regret between us.

Second, From a young age I heard that in order to be happily with your partner, you need to find the right person. Having lived many years, well not that many though but I have came to the conclusion that is entirely false. I believe that love is not about finding the right person, but rather about becoming the right person. When we focus on our own behaviours and the way we treat the person we love, it will not be long before things begin to change. 

We cannot make someone do what we want them to do. But, we can make ourselves do what we need to do in order to become the kind of person who is worthy of being in a good, healthy relationship.

We attract what we are. If we want a loyal partner, we have to be a loyal person. If we want a confident partner, we have to build our self-confidence. So if we are looking for a healthy relationship with someone who's loving, faithful, responsible, honest and all the qualities that we're looking for in a partner, we should have those qualities first. And for now on, I just want to focus on improving myself to become a good person, to have the qualities of a person I wanna be with.


Conclusion




We come into this world head first and go out feet first, in between, it is all a matter of balance. When we create a balanced life, we feel calm, grounded & motivated.

Life is all about balance, right?

All the bubbles already connected. Hopefully by 2020, whatever plans we have put together will go well. Hopefully we can reach a balanced life between being us as a part of our self and being us as a part of society.
Everything that will happen in my life, I will try my best. I just don't wanna look back and think "I could've eaten that". By that means, I just wanna live with no regret. Whatever the outcome, failure or success, happy or sad, love or heartbreak, everything that happen I know it comes for a reason.
It's good to be hopeful, but also need to be objective and realistic. Anticipate how things can go wrong someday, and make contingency plans. Analyze our failures and learn from them, without beating ourselves up.
Finally we arrived at the end of this year journey. How about you? Have you written your dreams yet?
Before I end this post, let me say few words


To all dreamers........
Whatever your dream 

to make yourself as priority
to improve your spirituality
to choose your dream over anything
to be more happy
to quit your job and chase your dream
to start your own business
to get married
 to be a mom
to be a dad
to have a children
to spend more time with your family
you have to know that
it's a beautiful dream, precious, and amazing
no one can stop you for dreaming about that
even though people said it's too big, too small or unnecessary
don't let them stop you to reach those dreams.
but ....
do you know what is more important than get the dream you've always wanted?
it's your effort and your courage you've put yourself on that!
if someday you face hundred or thousand failures
or if someday you end up being nothing, 
if someday you end up being something different from a dream that you've dreamt
it's okay
it's right
that doesn't mean you give up on your dream
you've found another dream that is destined and better for you!
your effort
your determination
your believe in yourself
the process you've been through
it's more important than the result
you find another you!
Fall 9 times
then get up 10 times
lose yourself
and find yourself again.
Everyone goes through many tough times in their life, 
and you have to be proud of you for getting through one of those rough patches.



2019 Thank you, next~

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